I’m dying to go to adoration and confession this next weekend. I really just want to sit down before Christ without any tempting distractions, and think about who I am, what I’ve done, what I will do, ect. I want to say I’m at peace, but there’s something that is putting me off balance.
- I have a hard time paying attention in Mass.
- I don’t feel interested in the Youth Ministry anymore.
I’m taking it as a sign that I don’t really think about Christ anymore. To be honest, I really haven’t. I’ve been really consumed with spending time with my boyfriend and raising money for my Haiti trip that I haven’t done anything else with my life.
I’m really conservative about my Catholic faith. I have a lot of thoughts, but I don’t usually like to share them unless I get this nervous feeling that tells me to speak to someone impulsively. I’m not perfect; I’m human. My biggest fear is sending people away from Christ because I said something really arrogant. But… I don’t think that’s the problem. I’ve forgotten who Christ really is. His life, his death, his resurrection… His teachings, his purpose, his way.
The past year or so it’s been all about… Me, me, me, and me.
From summer 2010, I was miserable out of my mind. I lived in a black whole of pure depression; I was broken. I used every excuse to stay at home, in my room, and sleep the day away. I progressively cared less and less about my life. I thought I wanted to be saved for God’s merciful hands, but I actually just wanted to go wild. I picked up a nasty cussing habit. I denied Christ in my life to make others more comfortable. I was caught in lust. I got drunk out of my mind. All I wanted to do was make mistakes. I hoped it would give me a better reason to hate myself, my life, and everyone in it. I knew exactly what I was doing and what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t innocent in committing sin. I knew better. I knew WAYYYY better. But I didn’t care. I spit in the face of God and stomped on everything that stood for love. I felt like to understand life, I had to experience it. I didn’t care if God looked down on me with shame, or if anyone did actually, I wanted to be reckless.
June 2011 came and I was tired. My body was weak and worn out; like some sick plague infected my temple from the inside-out. This was probably because I kept up a good act. I don’t think many people knew that I was going through a very difficult time because I held a good smile and a great laugh. I may have looked tired, but no one could have guessed that my character was withering away quickly inside. My youth minister praised me and the youth looked up to me. I went to Camp Fort Worth (the best Catholic retreat in Texas) as a Youth leader and rediscovered a bit of light inside of me. Little did they know… I had nothing left of me to give… to them, my family, to God… to anyone. After dealing with dumb camp/boy drama, I realized that for that week specifically, it wasn’t about me. It was about the new campers that were there and their experience with God. I completely forgot about my problems and focused on primarily their needs. I saw hearts change that week… And I mean truly changed. It wasn’t like those “Oh, I went to a retreat, I’m a completely new person, but when I go back home, I’m just going to go back to how I used to be” sort of deals. We all saw true love.
These kids opened their hearts to God and let his love overflow. Maybe they have returned to old habits, I’m not sure, but this camp changed their hearts permanently and the things they did, saw, and learned with be things they will never be able to escape. Their hearts will be starving for God. Witnessing the transformation first hand, I realize how powerful God is when people are vulnerable to his call. It’s knowing we are forgiven, still loved, and useful in this chaotic world by a God mightier than any other that makes us new everyday… and I think what keeps us going is lessening ourselves out of love for others… ultimately, for a God who is so much greater, who in fact made us worthy in the first place.
Hmmm, I think the reason I haven’t felt at peace is because recently, my life has been all about me. I’ve been doing things to glorify myself and make myself feel better about who I am… I don’t feel love because mine hasn’t been true.
It’s not for that self-glorifying feeling that some people get from community service that puts us at peace, but knowing that we’re literally the hands and feet of God, Christ, and love, changing hearts one at time.
You feel me?
“Love consumes us only in the measure of our self-surrender.” —St. Therese of Lisieux
Tagged as: realtalk.